A!A, you're doing just fine. I wouldn't have known that English was a secondary language if you hadn't mentioned it :)

Just a friendly reminder that critique isn't really the point of this kink meme. If an author has asked for critique then that's fine, but honestly, we're just after lots of stories contributed by everyone without having to worry about meeting some arbitrary standard of technical proficiency.

If folks want to help people out with their writing, or want help with their own writing, there's a critique thread that's getting covered in dust - http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/2480.html