CRITIQUE THREAD
Jan. 26th, 2010 10:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
falloutkinkmeme_backupThis is a thread for anons who want more critical feedback on their fills than is offered on the main meme. Both art and writing are welcome. If you're interested, format the body of your request as follows:
Fill Name: "Title of Your Fill" pts #/#
Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/linktoyourstory.html
Pairing or Characters: Person(s)/Person(s)
Critique: Both the level of critique and areas you want critiqued
Level of Critique: Soft, Moderate, Harsh, Brutal
Subject of Critique: Whatever you need help with. It could include spelling/grammar, characterization, dialogue, plot, pacing, technical detail, motif, symbolism, etc. Please be specific so any anons offering a critique know exactly what to focus on.
***YOU MAY ONLY SUBMIT YOUR OWN FILLS FOR CRITIQUING***
CRITIQUE REQUEST RULES
Fill Name: "Title of Your Fill" pts #/#
Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/linktoyourstory.html
Pairing or Characters: Person(s)/Person(s)
Critique: Both the level of critique and areas you want critiqued
Level of Critique: Soft, Moderate, Harsh, Brutal
Subject of Critique: Whatever you need help with. It could include spelling/grammar, characterization, dialogue, plot, pacing, technical detail, motif, symbolism, etc. Please be specific so any anons offering a critique know exactly what to focus on.
***YOU MAY ONLY SUBMIT YOUR OWN FILLS FOR CRITIQUING***
CRITIQUE REQUEST RULES
- Don't ask for a critique you can't handle - There's nothing wrong with asking for a soft critique. Only you know how thick your skin is and how severely you want your work evaluated.
- Be aware that you may hear things about your fill that you don't like or agree with - Keep a cool head and don't take it personally. It's about your work--not you. Feel free to start a dialogue with a critic by asking questions or discussing your reasoning for any choices you made, but don't start an argument by attacking the critic and his/her opinion.
- If at any time the feedback becomes too much though, just ask a mod to delete the post. Critics, please don't be offended if this happens. It doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong.
- Offer feedback for somebody else - If you receive critique feedback, try to give some to another critique request as well.
CRITIQUING RULES
- Post anonymously - Trust us, it's for the best.
- Respect what the author/artist has requested - Stay within the level of critique they asked for and focus on the areas they want help with. If you notice something outside of those specific areas that you think they'll benefit from hearing about, ask them if they'd be okay with it first before you post about it.
- Be considerate of how you frame your critique - Every critique should be constructive. The entire point of the process is to help the author/artist improve their weak areas and build on their strengths. Use examples of both from their fill. And unless they requested a brutal critique, always err on the cushiony side of caution in regards to how you choose your words.
- Do not bash characters, pairings, or kinks - This critique thread is not the place for it. This meme is not the place for it. There is plenty of other space on the internet to baww about the things you don't like, so take it elsewhere.
***NEVER POST A CRITIQUE FOR A FILL THAT THE AUTHOR/ARTIST HASN'T SOLICITED IN THIS THREAD***
Problems? Shoot a PM to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
falloutkinkmeme or make a post HERE.
LINKS:
Fallout Kink Meme Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Holiday mini-meme
Update Thread - Link your updated or finished fills
Recommend-A-Fill Thread - Rec your favorite fills
Who Wrote What? Thread - Tell us what fills you wrote
Mod Alert / FAQ Thread - Meme questions, delete-post requests, complaints and suggestions
Discussion Thread - Off-topic, general discussion
Fallout Party Thread - Share miscellaneous Fallout fanworks
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
TRIAL BASIS, GUYS
Date: 2011-02-01 03:05 am (UTC)Not My Baby - Test Drive!
Date: 2011-02-01 03:07 am (UTC)http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/588.html?thread=28748#t28748
Boone/F!Courier
Critique: General please, on anything you guys can think of.
I'm kind of stumped on how to continue this. I've got a bunch of drafts, but they all drive me crazy. If you guys can tell me what worked and what didn't, or what surprised you I'd be grateful. Thanks for letting me be the test case!
Re: Not My Baby - Test Drive!
Date: 2011-02-01 07:34 pm (UTC)2) You want to continue it? What exactly are you stuck on? Can provide more detailed observations if you can give a bit more clue as to what you'd like to do with it, as I would love to see moooooore
Re: Not My Baby - Test Drive!
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-01 07:44 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Not My Baby - Test Drive!
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-07 05:25 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Not My Baby - Test Drive!
Date: 2011-02-02 12:33 am (UTC)Your Boone voice was very true for me. I love how you write dialogue throughout this fill. The progression of awkward conversation to sex was well done as well. The contrast between the sad/messy/hot tone of this fill and what was, to me, a lighthearted prompt, was surprising and awesome.
Here's some specific feedback:
The first line hooked me. It was uncomfortable and funny and caught me off guard.
"I don't have answers. I have this. You want it?" <--- Example of your excellent economy with dialogue. Also, damned hot.
I loved the Courier's slow and confused realization that Boone is using her as a substitute. The way that was written worked really well for me. So did the the layer of creepiness to Boone's actions (undressing her in his sleep, snuffling her hair, all of that.)
About the only thing the Courier didn’t find was herself speaking up about this. Boone still had his face buried in her hair, murmuring something. Probably not for her to hear anyway. <---Freaking excellent.
I think there was a little bit of overzealous telling when you'd alredy shown us, mainly in the form of explanatory description after dialogue. Your dialogue is sharp enough that it doesn't need to be underscored that way.
“Is there something you want to ask?” His voice was just a notch chillier now. For a second she bit her lip, trying to keep that question back. It didn’t work. <---Example where the asking of the question in the next line kind of negates the need for the 'It didn't work.'
Didn’t really have to, the way his neck corded out and the muscles worked in his jaw. Fuck, he was pissed. <---Again, here, the 'he was pissed' seems redundant.
Also, some of the descriptive bits between dialogue had a way of interrupting what was being said so that I had to re-read to remember the thread of the conversation.
“Yeah, Boone.” It seemed that neither had scratched the itch in...well, a long time for both. She bit back the small, warning voice and reached for her companion’s face. Rough skin, weathered lines around his mouth and that stupid beret. She hooked her fingers beneath the soft wool and tugged the hat free. Boone’s breath hitched. “I want it." <---Example where I read this, thought 'she wants his beret?' Looked back, and went, 'ohhhhh.' This could be entirely my own derpiness, though.
I'm super excited to hear that you're considering a follow-up fill for this. Guilty and twisty sex and awkward sexual tension are kind of my big thing, so I would be thrilled if the next thing you wrote didn't resolve what was brought up in this fill, but continued it or even made it worse.
Just my 2.5 cents. Hope any of it is helpful for you! And thanks for writing such a great fill!
Re: Not My Baby - Test Drive!
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-02 02:27 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Not My Baby - Test Drive!
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-02 05:07 am (UTC) - Expandauthoranon will start writing tonight because of this <3
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-02 05:36 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Not My Baby - Test Drive!
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2016-12-12 07:16 pm (UTC) - ExpandStill fucking untitled, parts 1-7
Date: 2011-02-01 12:05 pm (UTC)Pairing- MLW/Fawkes
Critique- Soft (I'm a wuss) but General
Turns out writing fanfic is hard.
Re: Still fucking untitled, parts 1-7
Date: 2011-02-02 07:54 pm (UTC)It's hard to believe that this is your first fanfic, because (contrary to popular belief) I'm of the opinion that comedy is harder to pull off than angst. But if you ever feel like trying your hand at angst, I seriously want to see it, because your first showing is so strong.
Er, sorry this is like, totally unhelpful. Love your fic. For reals.
Re: Still fucking untitled, parts 1-7
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-02 07:57 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Still fucking untitled, parts 1-7
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-02 10:28 pm (UTC) - Expandno subject
Date: 2011-02-02 03:14 am (UTC)Story URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/588.html?thread=1317964#t1317964
Pairing: F!Courier/Benny
Critique: General or whatever you feel might be helpful.
This was my first time venturing out of my... er... 'comfort zone' so to speak. I know I probably have issues with being unnecessarily wordy, and I've been working on improving my descriptive skills (incorporating more than just the visual, etc). Let me know what worked and what didn't. :)
On a final note, I already noticed awkward phrasing in my ending. Benny's last line says “But baby, you'd be disappointing me.” and then I repeat disappoint again later. In my final version, I changed the line to a "But baby..." trailoff.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-07 12:10 am (UTC)Okay, so your Courier is one smart lady. Clever, too. But her thoughts are...languid. I thought she may be harder in this situation. Sure, she's appreciating the build-up, but...yeah, I think the language could be terser just to make it that little more anticipatory.
But I feel like I'm being a dick now - any Courier/Benny fic is a friend of mine. Truly. The only thing that'd make me happier is if there were more (hint hint) :D
(no subject)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-08 02:40 am (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-08 04:31 pm (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-02-09 02:44 am (UTC) - Expand"When in Rome"
Date: 2011-02-08 05:15 pm (UTC)Story URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/588.html?thread=160844#t160844
Pairing: F!Courier/Veronica
Critique: Harsh-to-Brutal
Subject of Critique: Specifically for this, I need to do an overhaul, and I am in desperate need of ideas. This fic lost my interest when I realized the 'Trace' Courier was about as boring as a box of rocks to me. I feel like the Courier!Type is too generic to really make ME believe that Veronica'd be all over her. I need ideas for a direction to take this that isn't standard, motifs that could make this really pop, etc. What helps to know is what worked, what really DIDN'T seem to work, what character traits would be more fun to see the Courier have, whether or not this should be made a little less vanilla and HOW that might be accomplished. Really, criticism about characterization is also very welcome. Saying I'm a dumbass for wanting to overhaul this is also totally okay.
What is not welcome: I know there are tons of technical errors and spelling oopses in this, so I really don't need those pointed out. I'm going to be taking the 'fic out of present-tense when the re-do gets posted (the current version will be up until I feel like I have the do-over to a place I want it to be).
"When in Rome" - also
Date: 2011-02-08 05:18 pm (UTC)Also I'm pretty sure I need to nix the 'alcohol makes sexy time happen' thing to make it feel more organic. All I know is that I really want to have this read like Veronica's the (awkward/insecure/gosh i haven't done this in a long time please don't laugh) aggressor.
Here Goes Nothin...
Date: 2011-03-18 06:24 pm (UTC)http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/588.html?thread=1716812#t1716812
Gob/F!LW
Moderate-Harsh Critique
I am trying SO desperately to do all of this in Gob's POV, which made me try to simplify the writing a little bit, since he's no scholar or anything. But I feel as if I've missed the mark completely. It just feels... Extremely bare bones. The dialogue seems really stiff to me for some reason, which is odd because if I have a strong point, it would have to be dialogue. I just don't want to disappoint my OP. :( Help!
Re: Here Goes Nothin...
Date: 2011-03-30 01:41 am (UTC)Also, I generally don't like narrators making little asides to the audience, but that's just a personal thing. I am enjoying your story, hope this helps!
Re: Here Goes Nothin...
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-03-31 12:10 am (UTC) - ExpandOP
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-03-31 01:09 pm (UTC) - Expand"Bulletproof" (parts 1-21)
Date: 2011-03-22 06:07 pm (UTC)Please critique the shit out of this. (Moderately, perhaps?) I need to know where I messed up so I can make future fills better. I think I'm succeeding, buuuuuut I'd like to know how I can change plot structure around, characterization, and so forth.
Re: "Bulletproof" (parts 1-21)
Date: 2011-03-31 10:45 pm (UTC)I did like, however, the parts of the story without Benny. The building of tension and establishing back stories was good, and I really liked the ending.
A!A here :)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-04-01 01:09 am (UTC) - ExpandBut He Breaks Like a Little Girl, pts 1/1
Date: 2011-03-30 01:29 am (UTC)Benny/Vulpes/Other Legion Guys
Okay, I know the sex scene in this is atrocious. To be honest, I'm asexual, so sex is just not something I 'get.' I want to know just how badly I missed the mark here, and whether or whether not you think it's something I have the potential to improve on.
Um, now is probably a good time to mention that this is non-con slash. Um. So yeah.
Re: But He Breaks Like a Little Girl, pts 1/1
Date: 2011-04-01 02:50 am (UTC)Re: But He Breaks Like a Little Girl, pts 1/1
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-04-05 02:10 am (UTC) - Expand"And America Does/If America Says It’s So (It’s So)" (1-6)
Date: 2011-04-06 08:57 pm (UTC)Critique: Moderate, particularly interested in character stuff, and particularly in how the Courier's coming off - is he Stuish? Is the circling round his backstory too ham-handed? Are there just too many wacky coincidences? Thanks!
I swear Livejournal is deliberately trying to trick me into deanoning.
Re: "And America Does/If America Says It’s So (It’s So)" (1-6)
Date: 2011-04-16 09:42 pm (UTC)HNG this is wonderful. I looked for anything to complain about, but I couldn't find anything. I really enjoyed reading this, your writing style is unique and adds so much to the story. Your mechanics were excellent, and the whole thing is really polished. I particularly liked your description of choking on unsaid words.
I really hope you continue this!
A Man and his Rifle
Date: 2011-04-18 02:15 pm (UTC)Solo!Boone
Critique: Harsh. I'm a big girl, I can take it. This was my first attempt at writing anything graphic/smutty, so I just wanna know where I fell short. Anything you can point out that could help me improve is appreciated! Or if you just wanna break it to me that smut just isn't my thing, go ahead and let me know.
Re: A Man and his Rifle
Date: 2012-05-28 09:17 pm (UTC)I really liked your story, I think you did a great job of setting up the story, outlining Boone's normal routines and a little bit of history! The only thing I could think of is that if you're ever looking to beef up the fill or make it any longer, I think you possibly could go into more detail about the magazines he used to read if you so felt inclined. I know it's not really the focus of the story, but this bit:
Battle Cry and Stag had been the reason he wanted to join the army as a teenager, detailing exciting stories of long fought wars. Boone was very disappointed to learn that articles such as The Berlin Nudes and their Studio of Torture weren't based on historical fact. But the pictures made up for it. His tastes became a bit more tame as years went by, opting for literature such as Frolic or Rogue. Less words, more pictures.
was unbearably hilarious, and also creative! The idea of Boone initially getting enrolled in the army after pursuing some sordid/scandalous magazine? That's awesome, and just a great little detail that you could maybe tell more about or describe the content of the magazines more. As a reader, I got a really vivid picture of the magazine Boone was reading currently so it would be cool to see that as well with magazines he had read in the past. Just my .02 though!
Also, your smut was awesome. And a first attempt? Double awesome. Your pacing and descriptions are spot on, nothing seemed to rushed and it was very easy to visualize what was happening. ;) I think you did really well, writing porn always feels weird and as a result I think it's easy to feel like it reads weird as well- but take my word for it, yours was REALLY good!
blinded by the starry haze as he came, matching every beat of the euphoria pulsing through him with a fleeting thrust.
I like this a lot. Almost poetic! You had a lot of bits like that throughout your story, but that one stuck out to me the most. I hope this is helpful!
You Ruined Everything
Date: 2011-04-28 10:04 pm (UTC)URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/2868.html?thread=3363636#t3363636
Pairing: Benny/F!Courier
Critique: Moderate. Tear this to shreds, anons.
I wrote this a while back, and kind of like it, but never went anywhere with it. I want to know if anyone thinks this could go anywhere, and where I should take it if it has any potential. I want to know how I can make this better.
Re: You Ruined Everything
Date: 2011-05-13 07:39 am (UTC)A!A
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-05-18 01:43 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: A!A
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-05-22 08:41 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: A!A
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-05-22 08:43 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: A!A
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-05-23 08:19 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: A!A
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-06-16 06:58 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: A!A
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-06-17 07:07 am (UTC) - ExpandWatch Me Burn anon hurr
Date: 2011-05-10 02:55 pm (UTC)Link: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/2868.html?thread=2110772#t2110772
Pairing: Boone/F!Courier
Critique: I can handle harsh critiques. I'm really not sure about the ending. I wanted to leave it open, but I'm worried it's lame, and entirely too zomg!angsty! Also, help with grammar and the general story line is appreciated.
Re: Watch Me Burn anon hurr
Date: 2011-07-02 04:06 pm (UTC)Re: Watch Me Burn anon hurr
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-07-02 06:55 pm (UTC) - ExpandEvaporated, pts 1f/1
Date: 2011-06-18 01:19 am (UTC)Boone/F!Courier.
I'm thinking a harsh critique. I played around a lot more with flashbacks and internal monologues than I usually do in my writing. Writing this was out of my comfort zone because of that, and I want to know if this worked or not. I also want to know if it was okay that I slipped some jokes into what was an otherwise sad/dark fic.
And another thing: How did the feely bits come across? I always worry when I write stuff that's particularly feelings-y.
Re: Evaporated, pts 1f/1
Date: 2011-07-04 08:06 pm (UTC)The story about drinking at his uncle's house was great. Even when you're writing something sad and dark, there needs to be light. One-for contrast and creating a context for the darkness. Two-If Boone's life was full of misery, what is it that ever kept him going? Not that thoughts of his uncle kept him going, but the fact that there had been happiness at one point. Things had been funny.
The feelings-y parts were great. no qualms there. When the courier meets him in the game, it hasn't been long since Carla was killed. He's still handling the emotional weight of it and the way he reacts to the Courier's teasing seems appropriate. He gets lost in the headiness of it all, still just trying to go every day without heading straight into a legion camp and shooting crimson.
Re: Evaporated, pts 1f/1
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-07-05 12:03 am (UTC) - ExpandPassive Manipulation 9/?
Date: 2011-07-02 03:57 pm (UTC)Title: Passive Manipulation, sequel to The Dark I Know Well-> http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/588.html?thread=692300#t692300
Pairing: F!LW/Burke, F!LW/James
Critique: Harsh. My issue is thus: I've received no comments on the last several updates, and I'm worried this sucks/no one is reading it/my LW is a Mary Sue/I can't write worth a damn. I want to figure out if people are just not seeing this or if the issue is with my writing itself.
Basically, there's a point in the next three updates where I can end the story. I initially planned for this to be a long, sprawling fill that traversed games and settings, but if I can end it gracefully before I embarrass myself, then that's what I'll do.
I don't want to be an attention whore (though I'm well aware how this comes across), but if no one cares, I don't want to invest more time/effort in this.
Re: Passive Manipulation 9/?
Date: 2011-07-04 07:55 pm (UTC)I'll throw a critique in here for good measure.
the smut scene in part 8 felt rushed. too linear. needed more emotional description or something to breakup the pace of the sex.
The end of part 9 felt somewhat conclusive but I'll go ahead and share my questions for the future of the story.
for your next parts, I want to know how much that dream of her dad is going to effect how she handles her situation with Burke. How does she react to being used and discarded by the only men she's been with? Fight, flight, or resignation?
Re: Passive Manipulation 9/?
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-07-05 12:09 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Passive Manipulation 9/?
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-07-05 03:33 pm (UTC) - Expandno subject
Date: 2011-08-10 03:23 pm (UTC)Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4237.html?thread=4763533#t4763533
Character: M! or F! Courier
Critique: I would like a general critique that is brutal in its level.
Fill Title: A Funny Thing Happened
Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4237.html?thread=4941965#t4941965
Character: M! or F! Courier, Captain America
Critique: Same as above.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-11 02:02 am (UTC)I think the main critique I have for it is a lack of elaboration. You have a very good concept there, and the step outside of the typical 'third person' structure was very nice. I however think it was an view-point that would have been more intense had there been more characterization and more detail, especially to the action.
So many questions left unanswered! First, why Veronica and Raul? It's an odd pairing of companions, though it makes sense in the aspect that one crafts and the other repairs. It would have been enticing to get some tidbits as to the reasoning behind sending them specifically the message. Are they the most understanding to the Courier's end? Or is it more of an extension of the character you created and who they are other than a Cannibal?
When the Courier, whatever their gender, establishes the parameters of their 'dinnertime,' it gets a little dicey. "Don’t eat people you haven’t killed yourself and only kill people who started it. To start it, they need to attack you or be a member of a gang that did attack you or who is attacking you. Help whoever asks for it, if they aren’t in any of the above categories. Try to solve things peacefully; violence is a last resort. Don’t be a bastard. There’s already enough of them; no need for you to add to it."
It's a little rough around the edges and out of nowhere. It would have been nice if there was more of a verbal flow to it, and a more distinct starting point. The style you chose tends to be a little bare-bones, so I understand straight description might have been out of the realm of what you were trying to achieve. But still it would have been nice.
This part especially:
[pause in recording; sounds of fighting can be heard]
That was a very good idea and I with there was a little more to go on about whatever scuffle took place. Was the Courier subduing their evening meal for good? Did someone stumble upon their insane declaration? Whatever it was, it could have made for a very good springboard for what compels this "good" Courier to have this one glaring flaw.
I however think that the line, "..but I cannot allow myself to be erased." was an incredibly strong detail that rounded it out very well. Statements of self really engage the reader, especially ones that imply a viewpoint rather than throwing it in their face. Overall, a nice touch to be sure.
I think generally if you took a stronger position on this character's background, gender, and personality I think it would have lead you to a longer fill (though perhaps that was not necessarily what you were aiming for.)
This story for being a one-shot type was good and I enjoyed it, but it left the reader a little empty. I hope you continue writing and I am eager to stumble upon more of your work. :D
"Don't Say a Word" and "Won't Want For Love"
Date: 2011-11-11 04:17 pm (UTC)Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4237.html?thread=7237517#t7237517
Pairing or Characters: Boone/F!Courier, pregnancy
Critique: I wrote this when I was supposed to be working on a longer WIP because I got tired of how wishy-washy the Courier in my WIP was. This was supposed to be playing around with a character who is a little older, a little more decisive, and a lot more aware of what she wants out of life and how she's going to get it.
And I'm not sure if it worked. I wanted to play around with the Courier's personality, but also with the standard fanfiction pregnancy tropes. No one gets magically turned into a perfect parent, no romantic relationships are fixed, no one does shit they wouldn't have done anyway. Again, no idea if this works.
Thoughts? I can handle a harsh critique.
Re: "Don't Say a Word" and "Won't Want For Love"
Date: 2011-12-16 05:46 am (UTC)I've gotten so sick of the "all women are natural mothers and if you aren't there's something horribly wrong with you" stereotype that society and popular culture still(!) cling to. Gack. Guess what girls, being a mother doesn't have to be the most fullfilling thing you do in your life.
Like Purity Against Resolve
Date: 2011-11-15 11:58 am (UTC)Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4237.html?thread=6761101#t6761101
Pairing: Arcade/M!Courier
This was a prequel for a story called Exhausted. Reader interest started rather high and then almost immediately plummeted. I've since filled about a score of other prompts that have gotten varying receptions but Exhausted will always be special to me since it was my first fill after almost a year of insecurity, and now I feel like I've tarnished it with a crappy prequel.
So please tell me what I did wrong. Please tell me why interest waned so quickly. Was it all the references? The poetry nerding? I had tried to make my courier a little obnoxious in his graceless attempts at pursuing Arcade -- did I go to far and it backfired? Or is the story just crap? Please be honest with me.
Re: Like Purity Against Resolve
Date: 2011-11-17 10:16 am (UTC)I say finish it and get it out there. It's a fine story.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-12 11:48 am (UTC)Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4875.html?thread=8666635#t8666635
Pairing or Characters: Daniel/M!Courier/Joshua Graham
Critique: Not so concerned with grammar and sentence structure, I know that's a hot mess and I need a beta reader! Would adore feedback on readability: is it confusing, or boring, or out of character? Things like that.
Level of Critique: Brutal. I don't care, MAKE ME CRY- I just want to make it better!
Subject of Critique: I am aware that I probably need to use less epithets (I just learned what those are lol, and I abuse the heck out of them...). I guess I would just love general impressions of where I could improve. I'm worried that the pacing is too awkward, and that perhaps I don't juggle the characters very well (there voices aren't distinctive enough). Are some parts too...cheesy? Are there areas in specific where I should tone it back because they're a little too dramatic, or things like that? Is the setting clear, or do the characters just come off as talking heads, floating in space?
Also, is my courier too...vague, I guess? I feel like I need to do better at giving him a consistent/distinctive voice, there are some parts where I feel like he just sounds like a totally different character than how he sounded in previous chapters.
Any feedback at all re: areas I need to improve is seriously, seriously appreciated! Thanks. :o)
Thy Faith Fail Not
Date: 2012-05-20 12:50 pm (UTC)First, some disclaimers. I haven’t played the DLC, so I can’t say whether Joshua/Daniel are in character or not, or if you have gotten their voices right. I only know Joshua by reputation from F:NV, and I don’t know Daniel at all. Secondly, I am no better at writing than you, so criticising this makes me feel quite hypocritical! Oh well. Thirdly, I’m a lazy reader. A more attentive reader might not have had the problems reading it that I did.
OK, so what I notice at once is that you had 3 consistent commentators that seem to have vanished after Chapter 11. But looking back over the fill, I can’t see any reduction in quality at that point. I think it’s fairly consistent throughout, in fact if anything I think it gets better as it goes on. So why they disappeared, I don’t know, but I wouldn’t take it as damnation of your story. It might well be that they just got caught up playing Mass Effect or something else, or doing exams, etc.
At around that time, the whole meme started getting less comments. So don’t take it personally :)
The story is never boring, but it is sometimes confusing.
In terms of your writing, three main things stand out. (Bad things I mean. There are lots of good things). One is that you often use 5 words where 2 will do, and you sometimes repeat yourself. Some random examples:
“...aiding Daniel in opening it completely. Fully undone, the edges of the shirt flutter limply at his sides like a curtain unveiled. Joshua visibly tenses at the sight.”
I think a lot of this is redundant. You could have said:
“...aiding Daniel in opening it completely. Joshua visibly tenses at the sight.” And gotten the same effect, moving the (lazy) reader along. Too much unnecessary description sometimes bogs you down, and the pace is lost.
Another e.g:
“"Yes!" The courier agrees emphatically”
Here you can just as well say “Yes!” There was no need to say it was the Courier (it was obvious from the context), and the ‘agrees emphatically’ bit is already contained within ‘yes!’
Another e.g.:
“Simon, who's own aforementioned eyes...”
Again, redundancies.
So, in the editing stage, I would trim it down a lot, take out all the excess words that just serve to reinforce what you’ve already said. “Kill your darlings” as they say in Hollywood. (I know that’s much easier said than done, of course).
You sometimes overdo it, e.g:
“The courier lets out another quiet sigh, and the noise is as resonant as a gunshot”
I know what you mean here, but it is such an extreme simile that it seems jarring. I think at times like these, you doubt the power of your own writing too much, and feel compelled to make the point more forcefully, when in fact you already made it perfectly. “The courier lets out another quiet sigh” is actually more powerful on its own.
Re: Thy Faith Fail Not (continued)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-05-20 12:51 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Thy Faith Fail Not (continued)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-05-20 01:56 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Thy Faith Fail Not (continued)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-05-20 01:59 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Thy Faith Fail Not (continued)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-05-20 06:14 pm (UTC) - ExpandSilver Tongue
Date: 2012-07-22 08:59 am (UTC)Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4875.html?thread=9596427#t9596427
Pairing or Characters: F!LW/Charon, lingerie + seduction
Critique: As harsh as you damn well please.
Literally just posted this. Started out as a fun little fill, but I ended up getting more involved in the character background then I had intended. I've been working on a minimalistic style, so there's a lot of subtext and hidden detail, and I was just curious if anyone can spot it or what you get from it.
I'm insanely curious as to how much of the hinted characterization actually shows through to a critical reader.
Re: Silver Tongue
Date: 2012-08-10 11:16 am (UTC)I picked up that she has prepared a kind of married-life house for them, and that she wants him to be the big strong husbandy type. There was a reference to her liking cooking, and talking, and hating guns, so that's consistent. I sorta had the impression she'd had some sort of traumatic experience with gunfire in the past. I guess what I mainly took from it is that she wants to be a 1950s-style housewife, complete with makeup indoors, and for him to go out and do all the manly asskicking for her.
So I may have missed a lot. Other readers are probably not as dim as me though ;)
Re: Silver Tongue
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-08-15 04:05 am (UTC) - ExpandLong critique, 1/2
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-08-10 03:40 pm (UTC) - ExpandLong critique, 2/2
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-08-10 03:42 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Long critique, 2/2 [A!A reporting in]
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-08-15 04:00 am (UTC) - ExpandCritique Anon
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-08-16 01:27 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Silver Tongue
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2016-12-12 11:19 pm (UTC) - Expandno subject
Date: 2012-08-19 12:28 am (UTC)Link: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4875.html?thread=7456523&#t7456523
Characters: M!Courier/Vulpes, General Oliver, misc. Rangers
I would like soft to harsh critique. I have a thick skin so don't worry about being to cruel. So long as it's constructive I will thank all suggestions and guidance. I would like to bring focus on my pacing (sometimes I feel like I jump to quick or drag my feet), OOC-ness (it's short, I know but I fear how I portray Vulpes as totally inaccurate), and sentence structure.
I hear authors say to avoid 'passive sentences' but I never could find an easy to understand explanation of just what that is.
Any and all help is accepted and lovely. And I am going to take the time to say how I love this meme and it's the nicest I have ever been on (also the mods are speedy and active). So I trust you'll all be fair. C:
no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 12:50 am (UTC)Passive voice isn't incorrect grammatically, it just doesn't read very well. It clunks instead of hums.
Your sentence structure is not very good. It's hard to focus on what's happening in your story because your words don't really flow, as written. You should omit needless words where you can.
I'll indulge in a little nit-picking, if you don't mind.
General Oliver was standing above Nero on a second floor. Overlooking the bodies of Legion and NCR soldiers in the badly lit room.
In the first sentence, you describe Oliver as standing above Nero, but you break up the modifier. You should keep all the descriptions of the same thing together instead of splitting them up. That sentence would work better as General Oliver stood on the second floor, above Nero.
The second sentence isn't a sentence. It's a fragment. You don't have a subject. I think you intended it to go with the first sentence, where it would read as General Oliver stood on the second floor, above Nero, overlooking the bodies of Legion and NCR soldiers in the badly lit room.
The title rolled off his tongue roughly
Roll and roughly are contradictory terms, and they don't work together very well.
Silent, quick, and efficient one of the rangers to Oliver's right was taken back through the doorway he had been standing in front of.
If silent, quick, and efficient are describing an action, they need to end in -ly. You have them as adjectives, not adverbs. I'm also confused by your verb choice here. "Was taken back" makes it seem like the poor sap got carried, not like he went of his volition. It is also passive, and should be killed with fire. "Walked" would make this flow a little better. You also ended that sentence with "of," which again, isn't incorrect, it just reads poorly.
I would recommend reading your writing out loud. It'll help you catch some of those clunky sentences and smooth things out so they flow better.
And I should be heading out the door right now, sorry for the terse reply!
(no subject)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-08-19 09:31 pm (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2012-08-21 07:11 am (UTC) - ExpandIunno if anyone posts here anymore, but...
Date: 2014-09-09 03:36 am (UTC)Fill URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/5459.html?thread=13003859#t13003859
Pairing or Characters: F!Courier, Ulysses
Level of Critique: Murder me.
Subject of Critique: I think this is one of the weakest fills I've done. I tried to keep things sort of backed-out and general rather than go into detail, partly for tone, and partly for brevity (jesus fuck but Ulysses goes on) but I think it suffered for it when I did have to switch into more in-the-moment prose. I tried to keep the final confrontation true to the in-game dialogue, and don't think it was the best call--is it as stilted and weird as I think it is? Finally, I feel I lost track of both the characters near the end, but this is getting long enough without me going into even more detail.
tl;dr, I know it sucks, how can I fix it?
Re: Iunno if anyone posts here anymore, but...
Date: 2014-09-26 08:15 pm (UTC)Disclaimer: I'm not the ideal critic for a Ulysses piece - haven't played the DLC - but I can give you my impressions regarding the writing, and offer what suggestions come to mind.
Re: Iunno if anyone posts here anymore, but...
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2014-09-27 03:09 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Iunno if anyone posts here anymore, but...
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2014-09-28 08:02 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Iunno if anyone posts here anymore, but...
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2014-09-28 10:52 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Iunno if anyone posts here anymore, but...
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2014-09-30 06:42 pm (UTC) - ExpandGoodsprings Scorpion Scramble
Date: 2015-03-17 11:59 pm (UTC)Fill URL: (beginning at tags because nesting) http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/5646.html?thread=13934862#t13934862
Pairing or Characters: Cass/m!LW & f!C/m!LW (UST); Sunny Smiles and a bunch of minor characters
Critique: Moderate, I guess?; the entire thing
Subject of Critique/Main Question: Does everybody just hate “Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble?” Is it terrible?/General critique.
I’ve gotten no feedback anywhere—here or two other sites.
I hope nobody hates it, of course. I’m new and nervous and insecure and just experimenting and trying to get better at writing. Which maybe I shouldn’t mention anywhere.
Side-note: I finished posting “GSS” here. Yay!
I really just want the above question (“so everybody hates this, or . . . ?”) answered, but since I’m leaving this comment anyway: I’d also like it if you told me any problems you have with it or noticed, such as in the format guide here spelling/punctuation/grammar errors or typos; or pacing, characterization, sex scene~details, or if you politically disagree with the use of drones; or stuff that annoyed you, or why you don’t even want to try reading it, or whatever. There are a few deliberate run-on sentences and fragments.
If you go read it, SKIP THE A/N! It’s too long. I’m so sorry. Everyone can just ignore it. So that’s something not to do next time.
I’m also sorry that the story itself is so long.
I don’t have a beta, so I’ve done all my own proofreading and editing ’n’ stuff.
I’m entirely out of my comfort zone with “GSS”—even including sex/smut, which I’ve done twice before this—so I really want to know what people think of it, all of it.
“GSS” is 51,000 words long, i.e. not a novel but also too much longer than a normal fill here. I like to think of it as a novelita, a word I made up. It has a few hits on AO3 and FFn, but certainly not enough to impress anyone.
It’s seven parts long. As I say in the overlong A/N I posted it here nonlinearly. It’s in order on AO3.
And I talk too much (as with that A/N) so that’s not good either.
Re: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
Date: 2015-03-18 12:40 am (UTC)Captcha: Very doubtful. That's not nice, captcha D:
Re: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 01:18 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 03:33 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 05:21 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 09:09 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 10:13 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-19 06:29 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-21 01:15 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 04:21 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 10:20 pm (UTC) - Expanda!a re: beta
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-19 11:08 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 04:17 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 10:52 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-23 01:57 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-23 02:40 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-23 01:58 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-07-01 08:19 am (UTC) - Expanda!a here
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-03-18 09:46 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2016-12-12 11:15 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: 'All (F)fallout het is bad and gross' a!a
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2017-01-04 02:07 am (UTC) - ExpandFio, Fieri, Factus ONGOING
Date: 2015-05-17 02:44 pm (UTC)Story URL: http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/5646.html?thread=12497678#t12497678
Characters: F!Courier, Severus, other Legion characters
Be brutal (really) and focus on anything you see wrong. It's my first try at a fill and while I've gotten a lot of wonderful feedback, I would like something really constructive. Maybe don't focus on the grammar as much - as it was mostly a stylistic choice, but if you see something that really irks you then please tell me! I also feel like I have a hard time keeping Luca/Sileo's character straight (and while she's supposed to be having emotional turmoil, I feel it might be too much?)
Also, if you have suggestions as to where it should go/are willing to be my beta/want to help or anything else please tell me! It's not needed, but I love working with others to write my stories - especially when I get stuck as I am now.
Thanks!